Everything counts in large amounts.

Today, I went to a new fitness class at the gym

It was a class I have never been to. I was late, so I rushed in and grabbed the shit I needed (Free weights, etc.)  and ran for an empty spot.
I got that feeling like everyone was staring at me. I looked around only to realize I was in the senior citizens fitness class. Shit.

I was already a little embarassed. Not only was I late, but I stuck out like a sore thumb.

I contemplated leaving; that would only have attracted more attention. I stuck out the full hour.

1) The instructor played Frank Sinatra.
2) The workout was totally not intense, so I decided to spice up the excersize by doing a CRAZY grapevine and inserting jumping jacks and random squats into the routine. At one point, I was singing "New York, New York" louder than Frank Sinatra. I'm not insane.

All the old ladies were giggling at me. Why do I feel like my life is getting more and more ridiculous as each day passes? 

I ended up doing an intense class later in the day to make up for a poor workout. I want to look like Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider by the end of this summer. That's going to be difficult considering the state my abs are in.

I'm not entirely sure what's wrong with me; I am listening to Daft Punk incessantly and daydreaming about being back in Greece/having an apartment with Sylvia in Astoria constantly. I got to work earlier than everyone today. Last night, I could not sleep. I love my job so much it hurts. I wonder what will happen when I start having even more free time than I had this past week (Regents week). I might go nutso. I already am nutso. Tonight I see the balcony apartment that Sylvia and Zabrina love. I feel a sense of longing and melancholy that I have not felt before. I do not know where it stems from. I think I am distracted. By what, I don't know.I am in pain, my friends. I am in writhing, horrid pain from all the emotions I feel.

I should be doing work but instead I am chatting on gchat and listening to Bishop Allen because I stayed up super late finishing my grades last night.

Sylvia and I saw a beautiful apartment with brick walls and hardwood floors today. It was in our price range.

I spent time with my brother drinking Stellas after that.

Then, on my way home, some bitch in her fucking SUV hit my car.

When I pulled over, she drove off. I didn't want to chase her because I was so shaken up.

Luckily, there is not too much damage, it is more of a dent and a scratch. I'm upset.

Now I have to do 12 hours of work.

I'm being observed on the last day of school.

Yay life.

I often wonder "What is wrong with me?" I experience high highs and low lows. It appears I experience lows more than highs. I am an unstable human being. This is not as big a concern as my initial question. The things I think of range from "Am I just plain unattractive?" to "Did I talk too much/little at such and such date?"

I have dated a guy or twelve in the past few years. Some of them have been better than others. It appears that every time I get myself interested in someone, I become very involved in making sure they feel they are receiving enough attention, but not too much. I get so involved in these people that I tend to think about them too much. So much, in fact, that I begin to drive myself batshit crazy wondering whether or not they like me, why they don't like me, and why they don't invest as much effort and affection in building a relationship that I do.

Now, there have certainly been men who were interested in me that offered more than enough affection and attention. But often times, these men were not even people I was interested in the first place. We all joke about the woman who only loves assholes; I know I am not this woman. I love it when the men I'm interested in treat me well. When Mike and I dated, there was a good period of time where he treated me like a Queen. I enjoyed it and appreciated it.

Returning to the original question, I wonder still, "What is wrong with me?" What prompts men I'm interested in to lose interest in me so quickly? And why do I often feel like I am the farthest thing from their mind? 

Furthermore, why do I seek out relationships and love when I know that:
1) I am often more depressed when in a relationship (OR when courting someone) than I am when single.
2) I often feel anxious, uncomfortable, and stressed when I'm seeing/dating someone.
3) All relationships go to shit. For the most part.

I'm sorry about number 3, but I feel like it's so true. Maybe I just haven't found what I'm looking for. I hope that's the case.

I had a discussion with Heidi Chu recently about what we seek in a relationship. We want inspiration. We seek some kind of contentment. But is it ever really attainable? Isn't inspiration definitively rare and ephemeral? And why is it that I continue seeking love and companionship when I know the truth about most relationships; that they are merely a panacea, a location much like a vast wasteland of raw emotion that will (hopefully) drag us out of our comatose state and force us to perk up and experience joy, like that's even fucking possible. "Happily ever after." How ridiculous !

Nietzche once said the best kind of love is founded on friendship. I am battling with the idea of what that implies for the men I become intimate with prior to becoming friends with.

On the aggregate, the overwhelming sense of euphoria induced by love is so amazing that I almost understand my desire to experience it despite the imminent pain. What do you think? 

I've been listening to Joy Division and The Church all day. Couldn't you tell?

1. Phoenix- Lisztomania
2. White Rabbits- Percussion Gun
3. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club- Need some air* { Might be omitted as I did not choose this song for the mix.}
4. The Damned- Neat neat neat
5. The Smiths- I want the one I can't have
6. Brakesbrakesbrakes- Crush on you
7. The Church- Under the Milky Way
8. Psychedelic Furs- Pretty in Pink

Shit I listen to on repeat and stare off into space and cry on the inside is bolded. Shit is not ok. Shit is really not ok.

oofa. i'm tired.

It is early in the morning.

My "End of the school year mix" consists of:

White rabbits- Percussion Gun
The Love Language- Lalita
Manu Chao- Me gustas tu
Motorhead- Dirty Love
Depeche Mode- Enjoy the silence
Spank Rock- Bump
Random Celtic tunes from podcasts I collect
The Cars- heartbeat City
David Bowie- Ashes to Ashes

I should do work. I'm getting distracted.

It's Tuesday.
I have three weeks of work left till summer vacation.
Man I'm TIRED. Need some rest. Memorial day was not enough, especially since I kept so busy. Took a few naps. Did a Zumba class or two. Went to the sauna at my gym and came out with glowing skin. Once I finished being a 45 year old woman, I went to the beach and fell asleep on the sand while listening to the new White Rabbits.

I am not sure how I will handle vacation time since "idle hands make the devil's work" and I really can't handle being not busy, I've realized.
Maybe I will make myself busy doing other things but I'm not sure where I should work, if I work this summer, part-time.
Just thinking aloud.

Yesterday was fantastic, followed by not so fantastic, followed by productive.
Today I should try and be productive too.

Tomorrow, I will turn 24 years old.

It has been over 5 months since I graduated grad school.

It has been over 3 months since I started working at my old high school, which is stressful and tiring, but incredibly enjoyable, rewarding, and fulfilling.

It has been about 7 months now that I have been analyzing my life and trying to regain a conscious understanding of self. It is working in my favor because my life now has improved drastically since life prior to this.

It has been two days that I have been experiencing borderline psychotic pms attacks. I should really just lock myself in my room with chocolate and steak and not talk to anyone but myself at this time of the month. Srsly.

I am happier now than I have been before, and yet, I really would prefer to stay 23. 

Ehhhh. I'm bummed out again.

I still feel feverish, but I'm not throwing up any more. UGH.
It's Sunday. Getting the blues again. I need the weekend to unwind and this weekend was not a weekend, thanks to being sick.
I'm all kinds of antsy.
. 

I had my first (surprise) formal observation yesterday. It was nerve wracking. I can't describe to you how nervous I felt when she told me I would be observed. After the class finished, I felt so disappointed in the way the class went. It wasn't great and my management needed so much work. Kids were calling answers out and so on. Anyway, today I had the meeting with my chair and she apparently really liked my lesson. I was so relieved. I just needed to hear that very badly. It is very hard for me to feel like I am constantly failing, and a lot of times, I do feel that way. I have always been hard on myself because I feel like that is the only way I will push myself to excel. 

Tomorrow is Friday!

I finally found a decent handbag. So exciting.

I also purchased:
1) A white t shirt with a scoop neck. Shows lots of cleavage.
2) White round-toe flats. Also shows cleavage, but the toe kind.
3) A grey/black leopard scarf. HIDES cleavage.
4) A slice of pizza with garlic knots on the side. Has nothing to do with cleavage.
5) An argyle pink thong. You figure it out.

1) Couple of good nights rest.
2) Excersize every other day (at least!)
3) Read something.
4) Get a haircut.
5) Go to the dentist.
6) Go to the optometrist.
7) Make some kind of progress towards getting my tattoo.
8) Get grading done
9) Lesson plans for the week I get back
10) Develop stats unit for my integrated Algebra class
11) Breathe.
12) Visit with Mr. X, work the charms.
13) See old and new friends, have a blast.

One more day till Spring Break. Boy, do I need this!
Favorite movie quote of the month: (If you haven't seen the Departed, watch it!)
Frank Costello: Do you like Little Miss Thing suckin' on your cock?
Colin Sullivan:Yes. Yes, I do.

I'm operating under some kind of crush-induced euphoria. Despite my massive workload, which I've barely touched, I'm listening to strange music on my last.fm player and moving my head back and forth in unison with the tunes.

By the way, if you have last.fm, you should probably add me so that I can find even more music my head can dance to whilst I sit in bed and avoid my responsibilities as a...human being.
http://www.last.fm/user/sonic_reggae

man that date was nice. had a bits too much to drink tohhough. will tell you more latesr. man He IS FINE.
love,
mari

I guess I find out tomorrow if I get to like, have a real job. WISH ME LUCK.

Mr. Blue eyes: I will have to tell you more about him when I am not quite so nervous.

My stomach: A bit upset from all the nerves. DONT ACT LIKE YOU DONT KNOW.

The job: Don't even care if I get it or don't anymore. Just don't like the ambiguity! Want some finality here so that I can make my moves.

rational numbers, not: I am learning more about my feelings and what it means to experience rational feeling and irrational feelings. I want to try to learn more about how I can control/manage them in order to prevent said feelings from overtaking my life.

Tibet: Should a reasonably paid job come my way, Tibetan yoga retreat come July! Woot.

Fibonacci: I had a dream Fibonacci took me on a picnic date in the woods. He was actually Mr. Blue eyes with Fibonacci's MIND and told me all about Fibonacci numbers in NATURE and how he loved how much I love Fibonacci numbers. There was more to it, but your virgin ears couldn't handle it.

Question for NYC teachers:

How long did it take you to get a file number?
Were any of you able to start working without one?

I spent five hours straightening things out for certification today. It's almost complete. My goodness...Never knew how much back and forth was involved in this process. Pardon me, I've had one too many Sapporo's (post certification work, of course).